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I Reject Your Reality
02:22pm 18/08/2009
mood: crushed
And yet I stay.  No mater what I think I will.  I'm not sure if thats a good thing bad thing sad thing or all of the above.  I'm so sick of feeling the way I do, but hey, at least I'm feeling right?
     Toss A Pillow
sick of fighting.   
01:11pm 25/07/2009
mood: infuriated
I'm not girlfriend material. 
     Toss A Pillow
01:53am 22/07/2009
mood: rejected
Its two in the morning.  I can't sleep and I feel nautious as well as exausted.  What little sleep I did get, which was like ten minutes according to the clock, I woke up to hitting my self in the face and Jeremy freaking out telling me to calm down and I was okay.. Interesting.  I found I'm seeing shit a lot tonight, as well as "feeling", if that makes since.  I also realized, I think, why I pick at my face all the time.. which makes alot of since I guess to me anyway.  I managed to scrounge up the money for my apt,  thanks to my parents.. I inadvertantly guilted them into it and I honestly did not mean to or want to.  But I now owe them $700 when I get my pay check.  Which means they basically get my next two checks.  So I'm getting the keys on Friday the 24, if I can come up with renters insurance,  which I'm hoping won't be that hard.. it shouldn't, I just don't really know what I'm doing so I'm hoping I can get someone to go up to State Farm with me.  But on top of Britney moving in, I now also apparetnly have Scotty moving in, though he will be sleeping on the couch since its only a two bedroom.  I'm not sure how I feel about it but we'll see how it goes for now.  If nothing else its a bit cheeper since its three way instead of two way rent pay.  *shrug*

On a side note, I think I'm loosing my mind... honestly I do...
     Toss A Pillow
My spelling sucks. Get over it. I'm bored.   
09:15pm 07/07/2009
   What is Your Name?    Brittany
 How old are you?    22
 Height: 5'4ish    
 Location:    My parents Basement.

The first time...
 You had sex? Hurt like a bitch.    
 You had oral sex?    Beats me that was a long while ago..
 The age you started puberty? Uh... Fuck.. my teens??
The last time...

 You masturbated? Um  A long while ago.. Not my thing.    
 You took a shower?    This marnin.
 You saw someone else naked? who?    Myself This marnin when I took a shower.
 You played truth or dare?    Oh fuck... Beats me.
 What was the worst dare you ever had to do? Um.. Lick my brothers feet?    
 What was the worst dare you ever witnessed some one do?    Me, licking my brothers feet.


 What are you wearing? Bluejeans and a teeshirt.
 Are you single? Yes.
 How many relationships have you had? 3 actual relationships.    
 How many of them were sexual? Three.
 If you could change on thing about yourself what would it be? I hate everything about myself so I couldn't pick just one thing to change.
 What kind/brand of underwear are you wearing?    Underwear?
 Have you ever had a one night stand? Sadly enough yea one.
 Are you happy with your looks? Not in the least.  But then again what girl ever is?

 Choose 5 words to describe yourself:
Fucktarded *its a word shut up*
 Do you smoke? Yes.
 Do you drink? Always.
 Do you swear? Like a Salor
 Do you have low self-esteem?  I don't think I HAVE self-esteem.    
 Do you get online a lot?    When I'm single.
 Do you like taking pictures? with a pasion.
 Do you like to have your picture taken? Not unless I'm drunk Or with friends.
 Would you ever date someone 5-10 yrs younger than you? Not Without some SERIOUS Standards set.. So no.
 Would you ever date someone 5-10 yrs older than you? Yes.
 Do you think you're weird or normal? Um.. What normal?
 What do you like least about your body? Everything is about equally disgusting to me.
 What do you like most about your body? Nothing.
 Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? Oh god what HASN"T been said about me.  I'm not a well liked person apparently.    
 Do you prefer to hang out with one friend or a group of friends? Group of Friends.
 Who knows the most about you? Me.
 Who do you trust the most with your secrets? My cats.    
 Name one person whose arms you feel safe in. Lil Duck.

Have you ever?

 Been in love? Yes.
 Had your heart broken? Most Deffently.
 Spun until you were so dizzy you couldn't walk? Yep.
 Screamed so much you lost your voice? Yes.
 Done something extremely unexpected? Recently Actually.
 Been caught doing you weren't supposed to be doing? LOL yea.
 Been called a tease? very few times.

What what what?

 What is your biggest fear?    The things I see.
 What was your scariest dream? My Life.
 What was your best dream? I'm not putting that here because of people who may read this.
 What is your greatest strength? I don't really have one.
 Do you have any bad habits? Oh god most of my habits are bad.
 Do you think life has been good to you so far? So So.  But whats to be expected when I am the way that I am.  You get what you earn I guess.
 Do you have any piercings?     Yep.
Which do you prefer?

 Jeans or dress? Jeans, I don't do dresses.
 Pizza or pasta? Oh god.. Um.. Uh.... *Spaz*
 Rich or happy? Happy.
 Shower or bath? Depends on the day and the mood.
 Family or friends?    Friends are faimly.
 Kiss or hug? Depends on who its from.
 Bright or dark room? Both.
 Chocolate or vanilla? Eh... Nither really.
 Laugh out loud or chuckle quietly?    Both.
 Foreign movies....dubbed or subtitled? Dubbed, ONLY because I can't read subtitles.

 Last furry thing you touched? The two cats sitting on my lap atm.
 Song you listened to? Godsmack "Sick Of My Life"
 Last person you talked to on the phone today? D.
 Watched on TV? News.
 Compliment you received? .......Can't remember when I got one last.    

More random thoughts...

 What are your first thoughts waking up? Don't want it.
 If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black with random colors mixed in.
 What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?    Well Just like everyone else, looks because I have to SEE them to notice them.
 Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes.
 Most memorable experience with a friend? There's so many with amanda...I can't pick.    
 Do you believe in soulmates? I'm not sure.
 Do you think that it's possible your heart doesn't give you a choice with whom it falls in love? Yes.
 What is something about you that people would be surprised to know? Im alirgic to cats.
 What is one thing you've learned about yourself in the last year or so? I'm to stupid to see whats right infront of me.
 iF you were born the oppisite sex what would your name be?    I don't know.
 Age you act? Depends on if I'm sober drunk or around certain people.

Love and stuff

 Single?    Yes.
 Who are you with or who do you want to be with? Don't ask me this.
 Have you ever been in love and if so how many times? Yes. Twice.
 How many were sexual? 2.     
 Do you beleive you should be in love to have sex? No.    
 How far have you gone? Um well accourding to the quesitons above...

Right at this moment...

 What can you see out your window?    what window?
 Are you lonely or tired?    Both.
 Use 5 words to decribe how you are feeling:
 Are you talking to anyone online? if so who?Nope nope.
 What are you doing? This thing.
List 5 things and the brand of what you are wearing right now
 1    Jeans
 2    Bra
 3    Sock
 4    Sock
 5    No brand.    
 Have you ever been to NYC?    Nope.
 Do you have any birthmarks? Not that I know of. Unless you count my face.
 Have u ever pulled an all nighter? where?    Yes anywhere I've lived.
 When was last time you skinny dipped? Last summer.
 Who were you with?    Cassie and some of her friends.    
 Have you ever looked at porn? Yes.
 Do you sleep with the room door open or closed? If i have my cats.. Cracked.
 Do you have a curfew? Um no.
 Do you have a cell phone?    Yes
 what brand of clothes do you wear the most? Cheep.
 Do you have your own pool?    ME no.
 Do you prefer boxers or briefs or other?Boxers    
 Are you overweight? I don't know..
 Do you have a lot of ex's?    Eh not really.
 What does your ex bf/gf look like?    Which one?     
 Do you like getting dirty?    Sometimes.
 Are you flexable?    Eh depends.    
 When was the last time you were drunk? LOL Wow.  When am I NOT drunk anymore?
 When was the last time you went on a date? A date?  Um... I dont' know about a DATE... Not sure I"ve been on an actually DATE with anyone but Doug.  I've got out with boyfriends and gotten food but it wasn't exactly dates.
 Do you ever cry to get your way? Fuck no.
 Are you the romantic type?    Do I have to answer that?
 Do you enjoy talking about gross and disturbing things? Most deffently.        
 Do you ever wear shirts do show your belly? FUCK No thats not so cool.    
 What about cleavage? That would mean I HAVE cleavage and I don't.
 Is your best friend a virgin? No.
 What size shoe do you wear? 8 or 9.
 When was the last time you were at a party? Lil Ducks Birthday.    
 Are you more of a mommys or daddys child?    Both.
 Would you ever hook up with the same sex?    Yes.


 How many true friends do you have?    A couple.
 Who is your best friend?    My Sister.
 How old are they?    21.
 Who do you wish you were closer to? I don't know.    
 Who do you talk to on the phone the most?    My mother.    
 Who house were you at last? Besides this one?  Lil DUcks.

Have you ever

 Played strip poker? Yep.    
 Stripped to your underwear while playing strip poker? Yep.    
 Had a medical emergency?    Yep.
 Been onstage? Yep.
 Do you share a room with anyone? My Cats.        
 Are you clean-shaven? Where are we talking here?

 Eye color? Blue Grey.    
 Hair color? Blond.
 Country? Haven't ever been outside the U.S.A.
 Food? Um... A few things.
 Movie? Not really sure there are alot of them.
 Drink? Water??
 Animal? UM Have we met?  If not, then cats.
 Color? Black.. Shades work too shut up.
 Song? Stolen Child- Elevin Drums.
 Sport? Hocky.
 Jewel? Sapire.
 Subject? English.
 Best thing that happened to you in the last few years? Well since Its public appropriate, my cats.    
 Do you want to get married? Yes.
 Kids? Do I want them Yes.
 Best place to go on a date? Somewhere UBER original.    
 What is your dream? Which one?
 What do you want to do when you grow up? I am grown up...
 Play an instrument? Nopeee.
 Ever danced barefoot in the rain? Yes I love it.
 Friend you have known the longest?    Amanda.
 Best friend(s)? Amanda, Britney, My mother, D, Ashely, Becca, Christina, Shelby.
 Friend that makes you laugh the most? Amanda?
 Friend who you can talk to anything about?    Noone anymore.
 Friend with the best personality? They all have quarks about each of them.
 Last friend to call you? D.
 Last friend to talk to you? Cilla.    
 Last friend you hung out with? Jeremy.
 Last friend you went to a movie with?Amanda.    
 Last friend to make you laugh? Jeremy.    
 Anything you plan to do with friends when you get older? I'm sure there is stuff.
 Any trips planned with friends? A few but I doubt they will happen now.

Opinions/ Thoughts

 Aborption?    Pro.  As long as its not being used as a birth  controll why should it be illigal.. MOST Prefferable example.. If a teenager gets raped by her father and gets pregnant should she keep it?  If I girl gets raped by a stranger and gets pregnate should she keep it?  If I get pregnate and I know my child is going to have a fatal disease and will only live to the age of around five, or will be confinded to a wheelchair and have little to no brain function threwout life, should I be forced to keep them?  There are a million and fifty reasons why it should be leagal, and then again there are just as many reasons it should be Illigal.. but if its not legal then keep in mind your going to have more women beat to death because they got pregnate and he didn't want it and more teenagers who can't afford it mentally phisically and finacally going to back allies getting ILLIGAL "doctors" and people to do them.
 Gay rights? If I'm gay does that make me less of a person?  No.  Just because I like the same sex does not make it wrong.  Love is love, and for those of you who thing Abbortion should be ILLIGAL you should applaud Gay marrage less women getting rid of unwanted babies right?  If I love someone, or if you love someone does it really mater what gender they are?
 Violence in the media? Indeferant.. I see it every day on the street why not on TV.
 Micheal Jackson? FUck don't even get me started on his baby bleached ass.  And for those of you who are all about him dying and being sad.. Okay  he was a good ENTERTAINER.  That was it, he made his mark changed the culture and set a way for african americans in the world.. But you didn't know him why the fuck are you crying?
 Aids? Suck, but again, watch who you fuck, stay clean... Its a crappy thing but its there..
     Toss A Pillow
05:55pm 03/07/2009
mood: rejected

The only common denominator in my fucked up mind seems to be me,  I fucked up yet again apparently.  Because I have to many fucking issues in my head to keep anything for any length of time.  I'm happy, so what happens?  This.  Jeremy and I kept getting into arguments over my friends being handsy,  I finally decided I'd rather have HIM than worry about pissing off or loosing my friends.  Its worth it to loose the people that would be lost if they did not understand then I did not need to be friends with them anyway.  SO I tell him this, but yet he apparently does not believe me that I'm actually going to say something to them,  he gets distant and starts acting weird.. only seems to want to be around me if there is sex involved.  He kept getting text messages from an ex girl friend I guess she was, and it was bugging me,  So I did the stupidest thing I could have.  I went threw his text messages.. Which is like I said the stupidest thing I could have done, but in my head I had to make sure I wasn't getting fucked over again.. I could not handle it again.  Not this time.. So I found in his outbox a bunch of messages to this girl , I couldn't read more than three, because I got physically sick to my stomach from what they said.  I ended up telling him when he asked me what was wrong that I had done it, and what I found.  And then told him I was gone.  Bit later he told me that he "set it up"  basically because I had said I didn't trust him (I don't remember saying that actually but point is mute)  so he told her he was going to send them and then didn't delete the sent messages because he wanted to see if I would read them... and I did.  So I don't know if thats true or not  either way.. I fucked up again.. I can't seem to figure out what the hell is the mater with me, no one can apparently trust me, and I apparently can't trust anyone, no mater how much I love them.  I'm just a miserable piece of shit.  So this is me giving up on my life.  I'm just going to stop trying to care about people, if I don't care about anyone I can't get my heart shredded anymore.. Because right now... I feel like I'm going to be sick.  Going to move out of this god forsaken area and just forget everyone here to the best of my ability and start over friend/relationship/socialization free.  It can't hurt anymore than this.
     4 Pillows Tossed - Toss A Pillow
10:30pm 27/06/2009
mood: lonely
So I seem to have fucked up apparently.  I want things to go back to the way they were,  without the looks and standoffishness.  I know what I want.  I know what I want to do.  But I have a feeling that its stuck where it is and I've screwed myself out of happyness. 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
12:19pm 12/06/2009
mood: Uncertain
Jeremy is still out of town, will be until Sunday.  I have to work tonight three till 11ish, and then be at work at four thirty AM to drive out to the RFTC tomorrow.  Kinda pissed that they straight said your not allowed to switch with anyone and open instead.  I have a lot of questions I want to ask someone but wouldn't be able to without sturing a lot of shit so I'm SOL.  FUCK I hate stupid bs.  ANYwho I'm rambing.  I dont have anything to update, I had a decent sized entry last night and yet again my stupid computer *well in reality I think I hit the wrong button and the page went back and erased the whole thing*

     I'm hungry!  I just ate a bowl of sqettie but I still want more food!  I;m sitting here watching Q  play with the Dog ball we got for the three cats.. Speaking of they are taking over the house i think lol.  I still don't feel comfortable in Jeremy's house,  I don't really consider it home I don't think.       I dont know I think I'm going to go back to cleaning to kill time  its only twelve fourty-two.  Later Days.
     Toss A Pillow
im bored.   
10:42am 23/04/2009
  Comment on this entry, and I will:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

I'd have commented on the person who posted this , but they don't know me,  at all lol.  I don't think they could answer but two of those :P 
     Toss A Pillow
Picture heavy?   
11:36am 02/04/2009
  Picture bordom because I'm well, Bored.Collapse )OKAY SO I think 12 is enough pictures for the time being. 

I really want to post on here how I am , and whats in my brain but I can't anymore.  Because Of who all can read this it sucks majorly.  BUT I guess thats my own fault so I'll live.  Anywho Life is so so.  Work is work.  I have three kittens (that I'm NOT keeping).  They were ferrel and the shelter wouldn't take them so I volunteerd to "Tame" them and find them homes... I fell in love with them, whoda guessed Right?  :P  anyone want a kitten?  Two Black one black n white...
Archer out.

     Toss A Pillow
06:46pm 25/02/2009
  So,  I've got fish again.  well A fish.  Another betta, of course.  He's a halfmoon tail moslty white, black spotted beard and a little bit of emerald in his tail maybe a bit of red/orange too.  He's really pretty.  Cost me fifteen bucks too.  But I've been wanting another betta for a while.  He's in Nathanials old tank.  I tried to put him in ashers, but that one had a leak in the bottom, which is okay,  I loved the tank but I bought it for Asher and he was the only one who got to use it for a year :P,  I missed having fish.  I think Vicious did too.  He's on my desk trying to figure out how to get into the tank.  I need to get some new decorations for Ickaba (His name) that fit his coloration a bit better.
      On a less happy note I now only have two kitties.  My Minja, Calliatious and Albert are gone.  God I want Minja back so bad, not that I loved the other two any less, but she and Vicious were my babies.  And now she's gone.  Parents and I decided that some of the cats had to go, which they did, and the three that had not been fixed were voted.  I really wanted to keep Minja but she peed on everything.  I am going to still try to get her back,  while I was at work momma and dada took them to the no kill shelter in Chesterfield.  I hate the idea of giving them away.  Minja only every really sat and cuddled with me,  granted I know that sounds conseded but its true,  she'd sit on my back while I walked around the house.  Who is going to do that with her now? 
FUCK now i'm changing the topic because i'm getting upset.
      Went down town with Bry to the Mardigra Parade thing, which was fun up intill the point where my boss called and said I was supposed to be at work by twelve when my schedual said I was off that day.  I had no way (well I did but no) to get to work because My car was at home I rode up with Bry,  and then after that I got a text saying that they all thought that I was skipping work just to drink.  Which at the time I had not even had one drink.  Needless to say I was pissed.  Outside of that and maybe one other thing that happend, I had a blast.  Bry got into a little VIP thing so got free alchyhaul and food from that,  only had a few drinks and a burger but it was really yummy.   He bought me a had and flashy bunny ears too!  I asked for the had but not the ears,  I just said OO LOOK A FLASHY THING CART! And he walked over and asked which on I wanted.  I really wanted to get a mask but I didn't say anything because I didn't have the money to get it.  I'll just get one next year or something :P. 
      I think I have decided to get my lip pierced on both sides too (the whole "Snake Bite" thing).  But I'm not sure if I want to  yet or not.  I want my tattoos So fucking bad its not even funny.  I just really need to find someone who can draw it up for me so I can give the tattooer an idea of what I'm going to get.  But No one will draw it for me, or they all say OKAY and then bail on the whole thing.  I'll figure it out soon though. 
      So I got bored the other night and rearranged my room.  Painted the ceiling *It had water spots so I used Kilz* and I think I like it.  Think.  I now have little white spots all over my face and arms.  Albino freckles maybe?   Either way My room now smells like paint and it won't go away.  

Okay well I'm going to upload pictures from my phone to my computer now I'll see if I can't post some of the crappy pictures I took of Ickaba to here in a few.  Later Days

     Toss A Pillow
03:19pm 21/02/2009
mood: determined
Yay for getting fired for titties and booze!!!
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
12:44am 09/02/2009
  Not entirely sure what I'm going as of late.  Work is work,  its going okay I guess.  Yesterday they had me sign some papers so that I could have keys to bookkeeping, and today they basically had me as closing senior minus a few steps.  I hope I did what all they wanted me to.  I'm not sure if they are cross training me or what, I guess I'll find out soon enough.  My mothers birthday was a few days ago,  and she wanted to go do something.  We ended up getting our nails done (erm definitely not my cup of tea) and I wouldn't let her pay.  But it was only about $105 or something like that.  I'm trying to get used to having them you know typing and scratching and such. 
     I'm still at mid rivers every night just about, probably why I have so many random numbers in my phone now.  OH ! yea  I went to a blues game the other day with  Bec Brian and Rach.  Won 4/0 wootness!  I was excited.  And I'm going with Brian erm tues I think to another blues game so  yayness!  I love hockey.  I need to buy a jersey though.  I've got Bry's right now,  I'm wearing it to sleep in.  It comfy.

OKAY well I should probably go back to relabeling my songs and adding names.  If I get bored I may do another random update like this one.  Night Y'll
     Toss A Pillow
09:53pm 26/01/2009
  I hate everything I am  And I'm stuck in this life.  I can't move, because I haven't got the money.  I can't quit my job because if I do I can't pay my bills.  I hate it here I honestly hate it here, and I hate who I am I hate how I live, I hate how people fucking treat me.  I hate being patronized i hate being called fat, and an alcoholic i hate being lied to I hate people looking at me and calling me a freak, or a dog, or a bitch. I just want to leave just fucking leave and I can't even do it.  I'm stuck in this place probably for the rest of my life.  I'm so sick of it  i don't even have a real fucking person to talk to.  
     Toss A Pillow
08:20pm 08/01/2009
mood: confused
I'm tired of sick and twisted lies

I'm sick of dealing with the pain I feel

I'm falling so far down I can't even tell which way I came

Sifting through the madness brings me to the edge

I find myself wishing I could disappear just drift away

Fade into the background Like I was never here

Theres always that one thing holding me where I stand

Theres always that feeling I can't understand

I'm confused.  I'm pissed.  I'm sick of being lied to by everyone.  I'm fucking tired.  Tired of all the consistent bull shit I deal with, that people keep tossing in my direction.  Why?  Whats the point of fucking lieing?  Little big what ever the reason its stupid very very very few exceptions and those include birthday surprises and presents.  Is it really beneficial to lie about stupid insignificant shit?  I mean really come on,  your in a relationship, you cheat you lie, she finds out your triple fucked.  A friend asks if your fucking someone you say no, they find out you are, why should they trust you again? Person likes you you say your single your not, fucks up any chances of anything in the future.  What the hell is the fing point to it, it fucks you over in the end,  even if no one ever finds out you lied, you  have to KEEP  lying about it, watch what you say make sure you don't slip up and make the wrong comment.  THIS is why I am the way I am,  I trust I get fucked,  I get fucked I stop trusting.  SO I'm done.  TO much shit coming from one person, going to another and then six more people come up with similar situations that all have their Own person spin on them.  So Guess what?  I GIVE!   I don't care anymore.  I'm at that point of being sick of questioning my own moves, actions words and statements .  I don't lie, I know I don't what makes people think I deserve to be lied to?  Am I that big of a bitch, do I look that easy?  Do I act THAT ignorant that I'm just a huge mark?  Please I really would like to know.  Its just so fucking frustrating! 
I know I sound like a moron but I need to vent and I don't vent to people, hell this isn't even the big "whats on my mind as of late"  topic, but its a close second.
     I really do have a lot more on my mind but I can't write about it on here,  just things I really can't share with certain people that read this.  Gotta love ripples right? 
     MOVING ON.------------------------

So I know I said I would update more the other day.  SO I can't really remember what I posted so I'll just start from scratch.  Hows that sound?

So work sucks, nothing new,  I like my job but I hate my job.  I guess I like the pay check my job gives me more than anything.  This week they decided I guess was the end of the seasonal holiday help because all of the seasonal people that work there are being told if they are staying or going.  I'm pretty sure most if not all are leaving.  Which I really hate, because I liked some of the seasonal people.  But I don't have a say so  it doesn't really matter much huh?  I've been going to the bar a lot with friends, mainly Brian.  Hard to believe but I actually like going.  Four years ago, hell a year ago, I wouldn't have imaged me as someone who would just go to a bar and chill, play pool and drink.  Now not so much.  I walk in and people actually know who I am, say hi, and thanks to Brian teach me how to play pool.  I'm not sure if its a good thing or not, but I like it.  On the topic of pool,  I suck!  I get laughed at a lot but I don't care, its fun.  I don't play to win right now, I play to have fun and watch my friends have fun.  Like I said,  Brian is trying to teach me to play,  to no avail.  I really am that bad.  Then again I guess I'm not as bad as I was a few weeks ago,  I can kinda make some shots I couldn't, or at least vocalize why I missed it. 
     I'm fixing to head out with some "friends" I guess.  Going to Buffalo wild wings, use my gift card my brother got me for christmas.  I'm just not sure I really should go anywhere in the mood I'm in,  add drinking into that mix I may hit something.  But we'll see I guess huh?
     Toss A Pillow
04:23pm 05/01/2009
  So I've been going to the bar alot.  Sad I know lol I like it, its fun,  people are nice.  I'm going to go back tonight after work.  Yay  Mid Rivers  :P  OKay shit I'm late for work and just realized it I"ll post when I get up tomorrow if I rememeber :P  
     Toss A Pillow
01:40pm 18/12/2008
mood: lethargic
So, christmas is right around the corner what? Seven days I think.  I really need to get a few more things for a few more people.  But I just don't seem to have the energy to do so.  Been hanging out with people from work lately.  Its thursday, which has somehow become "BDubs" night.  Apparently every thursday we all go to buffalo wild wings, I just order a bunch of alcohol which I seem to be doing a lot of lately.  I called in to work on Tuesday, which I rarely do, I just did not want to go.  I've been extremely tired lately, no reason I guess really, stress maybe? Between trying to figure out exactly where I fit in my own life, and trying to help my parents, I've just been tired, confused and out of it.  Not really sure what I wanted to write about, just felt like I needed to. 
In other news,  I got my tongue pierced on friday night.  It didnt' hurt really, just the healing is a bitch, seems that hiccups are painful heh.  My manger at work finds it funny that I like piercings so much and keeps giving me trouble about them.  I don't really find it odd, everyone else does.  Every conversation with them about my piercings always leads to me being crazy because I got my sides pierced.  Doesn't seem weird to me, but I guess I'm screwed in the head?  I don't know.  I like it they can deal.  
I was texting David, turned out to be his mother, and we started talking about Britney and that situation and how fucked up that is,  a day later I got a text from her which was ODD since she doesn't have anyway to communicate with anyone she used to hang out with.  So that was spiffy.  I'm really not sure how to deal with it.  She goes to court in February and I can't go, which kills me, her being one of my best friends and all.  I just wish I could help her in some way.  Offered to help her pay for another lawyer so her parents would have a hold on her, but she told me no. 
So,  it seems that Cillia and my brother are a thing now, which is spiffy considering.  Oh, yea,  I've got yet another animal thanks to Cilla.  She baby sits for these people who had a puppy, and took horrible care of her so she asked me if I knew anyone who wanted a puppy about six months old, black lab.  I told her of course I couldn't take anymore animals, so what did I do?  Took her.  She is a good dog,  she isn't pure black lab but who cares, shes a doll, they called her "Newby"  So named her Ziva, Z for short.  Good dog, damn near if not potty trained,  loves Bug, she and Pan are attached at the hip, if one has to go outside they BOTH have to go, if one gets a treat they both have to get one, one gets in a lap the other either 1) has to get in the same lap or 2) find another lap to get into and get loved on, just to say HA I GOT ONE TOO!!  Anywho, shes a good dog,  better off here.  

On a completely different topic,  Rich is being ignorant.  He seems to think I'm not, i guess hanging out with or trying to enough.  On Brian's birthday we all went up to the bar, and one of the first things he says to me is "So why don't you call me anymore?".  I told him the truth,  got tired of being blown off.  Apparently he doesn't think he has been "blowing me off".  But one thing I've noticed is that if he finds ANY girl he likes or thinks likes him, and I mean no disrespect or ignorance here, that he will ignore everyone else that isn't them.  Which is fine, to a point but when you just stop communicating with everyone on the chance that an interests will hang out with you, you can't expect everyone to wait around to hang out with you.  He took offense when I said something along those lines and told me that he does not  have an "interests" in anyone and that he wasn't blowing me off.  No big deal.  I think he expected me to be more interested in him than I am.  I liked him at one point but we're just friends.  
I've got a few interests myself,  just not sure what is going on with that front.  Being abstinent is a bitch but I like it.  I'm not going to  name names on here of who I like , mainly because I'm not sure who has access to this account, but there are 3 guys I like, one is in a relationship and keeps dropping hints of ending that and dating but I'm not sure where that is going mainly because I've been down that road with him before.  Two I work with.  One I know likes me, but I'm not sure if its one of those "oh hes cute he likes me lets see what happens" or if I actually like him.  The third I have no chance with at all, which really sucks because I do like him.  Not sure if he knows I exist though :P .  Such is life I guess.  There are several guys I hang out with or have hung out with a few times that are pretty attractive, but again definitely not naming names on those.  Just big on intelligence I guess. 
Well I guess I have rambled enough here so I'm going to cut this short.  

Later Days.
     Toss A Pillow
01:30pm 22/11/2008
mood: rushed
okay so the dreaded christmas is not that far off.  I need to get stuff for people damn it.  I hate being broke.  I've got two maxed out credit cards * that are over drawn *  and I have to put a 100 on each of those here in then next day or so.  And then I have what little I got back from the apt. (I got the check for 338.18 that both Cassie and I had to sign and get deposited , but thats a whole n'other entry that we aren't getting into don't have the time)  BUT I got 169 from that, so that is what I am going to use for my christmas shopping this year.  So I have to budget presets for everyone (I'll update later when I get home) off of that.

OKAY going now

Later Days.
     Toss A Pillow
12:43am 19/11/2008
mood: Dead
  1. Heart Broken
  2. One night stand
  3. Attraction
  4. Stalker
  5. Affection
  6. Used
  7. Mistake
     2.Best friend 
     Toss A Pillow
11:25pm 13/11/2008
mood: Jaded
Is there really a point to lying about stupid shit?  I mean yea it seems insignificant if its small and point less but if you lie about it it blows it out of proportion and makes it hard to trust you on the big things and important things.   I offically have no trust left for guys.  Hell people in general.  I'm sick of giving them the benifit of the doubt. 
     3 Pillows Tossed - Toss A Pillow
05:36pm 06/11/2008
mood: Livid
I am sick of Best Buy.  I want a new job, I NEED a new job.  Does anyone know anywhere *non food related* that is hiring??  As soon as I find a different job I'm done.
     Toss A Pillow