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I Reject Your Reality
   
02:39pm 28/02/2011
  Okay So I can't bring myself to delete this journal since I have had it since January 12th 2001.  But I am going to basically stop using it.  There are a few people left here that actually talk to me still, or have any contact with me what so ever.  So I'm not loosing those LJ connections.  So Fair Well to those who I don't talk to or communicate with anymore.    
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
12:12pm 20/01/2011
  Got our V2 Cigs yesterday.  They are okay I guess.  Might need to go to medium for myself.  Not bad though.  I like being able to NOT have to go out into the snow to smoke.  I think I need to get some serious help or something.  I have got some serious emotional issues.  I'm either furious, suicidal, or trying not to bawl my eyes out.  Yesterday I flipped out for NO reason.  Blew up at Jer, who for some reason didn't ask for a divorce after the fact.   
    On a different note,  as of January 12, I have offically had this journal for ten years.  I was going through some of my first posts as far back as it would let me,  I was a very.. Unique stupid kid... and my spelling, though still horrible,  was atrocious!  Very embarrassing posts.  Anyway I need to get ready to go to work.  Later Days.
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
Hopeless    
01:22am 19/12/2010
 
mood: alone
Do you ever want to be so immersed in someone else's life and someone else's issues just to escape your own deprived thoughts?  Okay maybe deprived isn't quite the word I was looking for.  I'm so frustrated with so much and I haven't got a damn soul to talk to about it.  If I talk to jer he gets upset and pissed off at me and thinks I'm being a bitch and/or personally attacking him in some way,  and he's really all I have.  My life is so null right now.  I work, I clean, I watch baby, I do laundry I watch baby, I work,  etc.  I don't really sleep much as of late...I just cant seem to.  I either lay there completely incapable of falling asleep, or I fall asleep for a short period of time and have the worst fucking nightmares possible.  So maybe its just my lack of rest that is driving me to the edge but seriously I'm here, about to take a bounding leap into the unknown and not come back.  This whole slipping little by little into the black just isn't working anymore, its just ripping me at the seems and that just tugs at me and makes it worse. 
    I'm to the point that I think everyone is talking about me "behind my back" so to speak.  I'm not going anywhere in my job but yet I can't afford to quit.  I don't ever get out of the house,  and if I get the chance something comes up and I can't make it.  I'm pretty sure I'm loosing my mind day by day.  And you know the very worst part?  No one can tell a difference.  Not even my husband.  Ever lingering thoughts of picking up a knife and just saying FUCK IT, sitting just in the top of my mind,  came close today but didn't have anything to follow through with. 
     Its been a while since I had a true update in this journal I guess.  Work has been pretty hectic as of late, being the holidays and all I guess that is to be expected.  Regardless that doesn't give people the right to treat me like a piece of shit.  I've been with the company for a little over three years,  trained the past five people they have promoted to the position they KNOW I want.  So I have the knowledge and the skill to do the job, but yet I'm not being put in it?  I've made it well known that I want to move up in the company but the focus seems to be going around me to the people I've been training..  While yes I do multiple jobs, cashier, customer service rep, senior, and on occasion MOD, I haven't been promoted or given a tittle or raise to compensate.  Its starts to grate on my nerves when I'm the one taking the brunt of BS from customers and they get all the glory and praise.  Maybe I'm just being petty about it all.
     Christmas being right around the corner I have gotten most of our shopping out of the way.  Jer didn't really go with much on anything, namely my mother and I.   However I do still need to get my mother her gift, my brother and his girl there's,  and I told Jer he needed to come up with something for his father but that has yet to happen.  Bubba, Kiddo, and Bug are all done though, unless I see something I just have to get for someone.  Though I don't see that happening it is me so who knows.  
     Oh!  My sister is going to be a momma!  She finds out thursday what she is having, boy or girl.  Funny enough her due date is the same as mine was, May 25.  I'm going to laugh much when she has her child on the same day as I had Loki... which happens to be her birthday as well.  Its funny when you think back on your school mates from way back when, and all the conversations you used to have about, who wad going to loose there virginity first, who's gonna get knocked up first,  married first, divorced first,  all that chick-ish shit and compare it to your current lives.. Its just trippy to me.
     I haven't had a cigarette in about a week, go me.  Though I really do wish I had one now.  There really wasn't a plan to quite it just kinda fell into place.  Ran out of smokes, no money, couldn't get any, no one to bum off of,  around the kids, ETC... So I said heh, its been two days lets go for three and so on.  So we'll see. 
     Jeremy is at D and B's house at the moment.  I was supposed to go with but I have to work at 7a.m.  and I didn't really want the baby around all the drinking and what not.  Told him he could go without me since he never gets to see them at all or go out.  I told him I wanted him to come home sometime tonight but so much for that.  He seemed pretty anxious to get away from me so *Shrug* .  Loki keeps having nightmares not sleeping screaming bloody murder, I brought him down here to sleep with me on the couch but he didn't get any better.  Kept whimpering and crying in his sleep,  and then twitching a lot in his sleep. 
     Okay well I think I'm going to try to do something to occupy my time other than type my computer is about to co-put on me.

                                                          Farewell and G'Day.
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
03:02am 26/11/2010
 
mood: drained
And the Nightmare that is "Black Friday" begins.. Really.. what is the point of it,  couldnt they have come up with a better idea than everyone swarming a store all at once to get deals on merchandise?  Eh,  life goes on,  mine however will probably be taken by some guy around noon with a small pistol in his pocket because we didn't have anymore of the WII game he wanted to get his one legged special needs son who just got out of the hospital.

I say good day Sir.
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
Picture heavy   
10:57am 03/11/2010
 
mood: horny
Got Married. 

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     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
09:40pm 29/10/2010
 
mood: exhausted
15ish hours.
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
11:54am 12/10/2010
  18 days.  
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
10:12am 27/09/2010
 
mood: depressed
So The wedding is in 34 days.  I wish I could have more people, more friends, that won't be able to for one reason or another, there.  I wish I still talked to some people I don't anymore.  The reception is going to be at Game day on 94 (Jer's Choice).  Feel free to stop by.  Amanda and Carlos if y'all didn't live so far away I'd say come out.  Jeremy, I doubt you'll be able to come out but if you can or want to you and your girly are welcome.  Amanda Jo your ass is comming whether you want to or not your in the wedding....I still don't have a dress.  So this should be interesting....  
 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
09:45am 14/09/2010
 
mood: cold
So Loki is a little over three months old, and I am still up to my eyeballs in hospital bills.  I've realized that the only friends I have live no where near me and I never get to see them.  All the people up here that I used to ''hang out'' with were more or less "friends" while I was willing to go out get hammered or throw parties, now I've noticed anytime I try to even have a simple conversation with any of them it results in them literally either ignoring me or walking off.  If they even talk to me... Its funny how much having a kid changes everyone's opinion of a person.  As much as I wish I had people willing to come over and just chill,  I'm okay with knowing who is a true friend and who isn't.  Though there are a few people I really do miss hanging out, and having discussions and or debates with. 
     Work has been interesting.  Before I went on maturity leave, I was working quite a bit as senior, then the postion came open, and I wasn't told until the day they were holding the last interviews.  My boss thought I just didn't apply because I was fixing to go on leave,  but when I explained that they hadn't told me it was open (they had just a few months earlier supposedly eliminated the position) she said she'd work with me when I came back.  Its been threeish months that I've been back, and that hasn't progressed much.  Although this past week or two I have been senior quite a bit.  I also got the okay to dress outside of the BBY Blues, which I love!  When I have to deal with  MOD issues, its amazing how much of a difference there is in people when you look the part.  
     About a month ago was my birthday, 24 years old now.  Jeremy and I went to mid rivers,  and suprise suprise I have friends again!  Its amusing to me how people suddenly wanted to hang out with me for a night when I was buying drinks  :).  Anyway  It was a fun night.  Few people I wish had been there that either couldn't come or I had no way of getting ahold of,  but either way still an overall good night.  This was the first year though that my mother had not called me at  3 4 5 or 5 in the morning to tell me happy birthday  or call me to tell me.  That really bugged me alot.  But I guess shit happens right? 
     So I realize this entry sounds like one big whiny entry but hey,  it happens.  BUT on a not so bad note,  its September, so October is right around the corner.  The wedding is coming up quick!  We decided, being broke and all, that we were going to do a small wedding this year with only family and maybe a few close friends and t hen a reception.  And then next year we are going to have the "big" full wedding.  I really hope all goes well.  My brother's girlfriend has a friend that is going to do the ceremony for around 25 dollars so hopefully that all goes well.
     Around the beginning of August we moved from the apt we were living in into a much better place, a lot more room.  Its a two bedroom, two bathroom, Loft apartment.  We now have a washer/dryer which makes life so much easier.  No more going to my parents house to do all the laundry... although we still don't have cable or dish so we have no t.v. to watch other than maybe three channels.  Vicious, Kodak, and Q like it though I think.  They now  have more room and stairs to run around on.  And we can keep the cat litter upstairs away from everything/everyone.  Though Kido and Loki still have to share a room,  sort of.  Since we don't have her all the time its not to big of a deal, and by the time he actually starts to need a room, hopefully we will have a house rented or bought... hopefully.  But well see right? 
     Read more...Collapse )
 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
11:14am 17/06/2010
 
mood: blank
Boo.


Uninteresting, read at own annoyance.

Uninteresting Bitching about life, read at own annoyance. Collapse )
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
12:30pm 01/06/2010
 
mood: tired

May 27th, 2010  12:29 pm Loki Shaun Risch Born 7 pounds 4 ounces, 20 and 1/4 inches.  

My Baby Boy... who'da thunk it.Collapse )

Sorry Didn't realize I had put so many pictures under the cut so I'll stop with what I have.  I'm sure I'll have more pictures later. 


 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
02:48pm 25/05/2010
 
mood: restless
Its May 25th.  I'm still pregnant.  Its not a baby its a tapeworm.  Today was the "official Due Date".  The whole guess-t-estimation on when it was supposed to come.  Lots of things going on I guess, and at the same time absolutely nothing going on.  Mostly just things in my head I suppose.  Thinking about everything.  Which is usually a bad thing for me to do, seeing as how I usually revert back to my stupid "Shit isn't right" stance on my life.  A couple of related unrelated things have been bugging me but I don't want to let it get to me.. So Doing my best not too. 
     I'm dying to have a cigarette.. I know its been nine months since I have had one, its not so much a physical craving so much as a "I'm so close to being able to" kind of thing.  Either way.  I'm ready to not be knocked up anymore.  I thought I was self conscious before.. its so so so much worse now..  And he's not trying to but Jer is making it worse.  The whole checking out every skinny blonde chick he sees under (or mostly under) the age of 30.  He's a guy I know it happends.. But really, driving down the road with me, (mind you we just had a conversation about me being nine months prego and worried about phisical apperiance afterward less than three minutes before)  he litterally turns in his seat to check out the girl walking on the side of the road. ( 19-22 ish petite blond in very short shorts and tight shirt).  When I asked if he got a good look * cant remember exactly what I said*  he told me he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at the four-wheeler.  (the four-wheeler never once got THAT kind of attintion in the entire time its been sitting  at the car)  Either way. *Shrug*  Guess I'm paranoid being 9 months pregnant.... I just wanted to bitch so I've bitched...I have to go get somethings done now.. SO later days. 
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
11:39am 08/03/2010
 
mood: indescribable
Busy-ish weekend.  Friday after work *got off at three*  we drove down to the lake of the ozarks for my sisters wedding on saturday.  Had to be in it, so I had to wear a dress.  Saturday, got up had to check out of the hotel by 11, but the wedding wasn't until six.  SO we checked out and drove around the lake trying to kill time.  Ended up spending four hours or so at a strip mall of sorts.  (anyone who who knows the area its across from Minor Mikes.)  My sister and her soon-to-be husband got into town around  ehh say four-ish.  So we met them at the resteraunt they were having their wedding dinner at.  The GPS didn't exactly agree with us that the destination of which we were going existed so we had to follow them their... half way there we get a call from  my sister ... "so... there are two different ways to get here.. we gave everyone else the other directions and pulled these up before we left to day.... we don't know where we are going HAHA"  But hey, You can't be late if you arrive at the same time as the bride and groom right???  Well we finally get there, and I now understand why the GPS didn't agree.  They had recently built new HWY roads that hid where we were going,  Which by the way was Bridal Cave.  We were expecting (being that the town was built in mostly blown out quarries) an old mining shaft, or a cliff overhang, something the like, but it was actually a cave, small but very beautiful.  There wasn't much in the way of a guest list, just certain family members on her side and I'm assuming mostly family on his.  We ended up having to weight about two hours for a couple of her family members to get there to actually start the ceremony.  I thought she was going to strangle someone,  Jeremy and I conveniently left out that they seemed to be having trouble with the radio anyway.  The guy that was in charge of (in a manor of speaking) the cave was a dirty dirty person.  He smelled horrible, he was dressed though in uniform, extremely poorly.  Food stains, sweat covered greasy hair.. *Shudder*  I wanted to puke every time he walked by me.  BUT MOVING ON.  I am extreamly surprised that women wear their dresses into a cave,  small narrow walkways, dripping water, muddy walls/ground grit.  My sister threw the whole wedding was holding her dress off the ground, very amusing actually I snorted (OOPs) two or three times during the service.  Good thing they were just snapping pictures and not recording huh :P.   The color theme was black and purple.. of all colors purple.  So I had to wear a black and purple dress with stupid heals (not anyone's fault but my own,)  So I look weird in most of the pictures.. Seven months prego (the token pregnant girl  every wedding seems to have, just happen to be me this time :P) In heals a knee high dress...in a cave.  I was shifting weight back and forth like I was doing a pee-pee dance... In most of the photos I seem to be standing about four feet away when in all reality from my point of view it wasn't that far away, and I have this leg thing going on, where it looks to me like I was trying to pull the "aw I'm so cute look at me"  and I absolutely most definitely without a doubt was NOT.  After the wedding we went to a restaurant at the lake (we thought we were going back to Jefferson City for dinner so we had made reservations at another hotel there).  So about eight or nine, we finally head out and back to Jefferson City.. we got checked in and I requested a late check out, no way was I going to get up at eight or nine again just to drive back home.  So we layed around for the morning (till about eleven) and relaxed.  No work, no plans, no rush.  I loved it...I just felt so weird all day.  But never the less, we grabbed a bite to eat and headed back home to kids.. human and feline alike.  And today I have a doctors appointment for them to tell me "OH Look your still pregnant and fat and you now have to come see us every TWO weeks instead of once a month"  So.  Like I said.. Long week    Okay now that I have rambled on about randomly non-sincical stuff I'm going to finish my laundry and go get gas in the jeep.. maybe some foods too.  Later Days Journal peoples



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THE END
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
11:52am 08/02/2010
  Is it so bad that I want to hyphenate my last name instead of just drop it completely and change it?  Really?  I like my last name I have no desire to loose it, and I want my son to have the same last name.  He isn't loosing HIS last name so he wouldn't get it.  He's getting upset because I don't want to and I quote " take his last name"  But I am taking it, I'm just adding it to mine.  I need to go finish my laundry , but on a funny note I just found out that when my dada travels to a particular hotel for business he gets beer he's there so often that when he has "left over " beer they store it for him and put it in his room when he checks in the next time... Heh.  I love my family in a weird way.  
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
01:40pm 19/01/2010
 
mood: depressed
Its been a while since I've updated.  Had a long night.  Couldn't sleep, kept having nightmares and the like.  Jeremy wouldn't wake up and I was freaking out so I came into the living room for a while and just stared at things and freaked out more.  Can't get the sound of "radio voices'' out of my mind and its fucking with me.     I have to work at two forty five, and I've got kido I gotta drop off at her nannies before I head in.  I've noticed since I quite drinking that I don't really have "friends".  Every time I try to make plans I get blown off for alcoholic related parties or get togethers.  Its really starting to bug me and I don't guess it should.  Makes me wonder if I'm just that annoying or if I'm no fun sober.  People I considered friends now won't really even talk to me .    What makes it worse is that Jeremy blew me off last month too.  He didn't even understand why I was so pissed off and upset.    
     I had been puking and sick for a few days and I was working till close and he sent me a message asking if I wanted to grab a bite to eat when I got off work, I said sure, and asked if he'd mind if I invited D since her husband was working he was okay with that.  So  I told him she was going, five minutes later he sent me a message asking me if I cared if he went out to troy with friends to the bar (keep in mind he never gets to see them, so I wasn't going to say No no you can't go see your best friends you never get to see and stay out in BFE because your to drunk to drive home)  So ether way I was the bad guy.  Either I get upset and say  no you already made plans with me, or I say sure go, but I'm pissed off because you made plans with me like everyone else and then blew me off.  So  yea.  He still doesn't get why was upset about it. 
     Anyway I'm just sick of being blown off by everyone, or just plan ignored because I'm pregnant.
    
     I want to rearrange the apartment but I can't move anything because its all to heavy and I get yelled at for doing it.  I need to get the T.V. stand to put the T.V. on and have it mounted, but we can't afford it at the moment.  I also need to get one or two of my ten gallon tanks from my parents house to set up for the bettas so I can have planted tanks and what not.  But again,  I need more time and money.  Oh  well I guess it gives me something to work towards and gives me something to do... who knows, I"ll probably never get around to doing anything. 
     All I'm doing here is venting and I'm going to get going.. Kido wants to head to nannies so I'm going to cut this "bitch fest " short.  Later Days.

Kitty~
 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
03:56pm 22/10/2009
 
mood: nauseated
So as of right now life is.... odd.  I guess.  I'm still in my two bedroom apartment.  BUT as of right now,  I kicked the other girl out.  She wasn't paying what needed to be paid, and thought I was being unfair on rent.  Words were said I got pissed, and she crossed the line when she said she was paying for four cats and only owned one.  So I told her to and I qoute "Get the fuck out, I don't care where you go, if you stay with your friends or go to jeff just get the fuck out."  So she's out.  I have to figure out how to pay rent this month because she did not give pay for the full month.  (Just gave me 160 for utilities out of the 225 she owed, and then the second 225 for the actual RENT I didn't get so in total she technically should have payed me an additional 290 but I told her I didn't care if she payed the rest of what she owed me because I just wanted her the fuck out So that is my fault.)  Right now we are trying to figure out how to maybe get Jeremy in to the apt.  possibly.  But we'll see.  I'm sitting here with Mike and D, waiting until bout 4:30 ish for Jeremy to get off work and the four of us are going to go play pool or something.  I need a shower, my head hurts and being prego is a bitch.  OH yea By the way,  I'm pregnant.  Apparent due date is supposed to be May 25th but we'll see I guess.  Not sure who all reads this but I'm sure I"ll get at least two texts.  Maybe three.  BUT yea so I'm going to go try and figure out how to arrange my, now all to myself and cats, appartment.  Update later.  Laters.
 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
02:40pm 21/09/2009
 
mood: pugnacious
So I didn't get to go hang out with a good friend before he left so I'm pissed/bummed about that.  I had to fucking work close and open the next day.  Was supposed to work 4-close and they called me in to work 11-6 so i thought i might get to go but they couldn't find anyone to cover my shift so they made me do both basically.  Not  happy.  Day before that Jeremy was sick and had to watch his daughter so I called in and told them he was sick and we couldn't find anyone to watch her so I had to ,  I get a text later that night that says "can you come in for a few hours"  I responded with I couldn't come in because I had her,  and she sent back "that is not an excuse"  SO I'm trying to find a new job ASAP.  I'm not dealing with that shit anymore.. they have people that call in every other shift, or call in every closing/opening shift, and or three out of four shifts with no repercussions and I can't even call in with a legitimate problem?  No.  

     Other news my mother had knee surgery so shes been out of commission for a bit.  Kinda going nuts I don't have anyone to go randomly kill time with.  Um Scotty i'm pretty sure I'm either going to send his shit back to jeff with britney when she takes back David to jeff or I'm going to text him and tell him he needs to give His money to her when shes down there.  I can't afford this shit anymore.  I paying two thirds the rent.. and right now I just paid two bills and have 20 bucks to last me till pay day and on top of that I have to pay a 120 dollar electric bill by the 29th.  ANd she won't give me any of the rent money because she has to pay to drive to jeff and pay to feed david.    Oh and biggest news ( in my opinion) is I'm engaged. 
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
   
12:39pm 10/09/2009
 
mood: betrayed
I'm bored pissed off and fucking annoyed.  SO In attempts to not be so, I'm posting my favorite pictures from my birthday.

Pictures wootness?Collapse )

 
     1 Pillow Tossed - Toss A Pillow
 
   
03:23pm 30/08/2009
  I really wish I could write something on here, but I've come to realize that when I do people asume things and try to fix it where they shouldn't.  and I find it hard to write anything of substance knowing that they read.  I  sat down and wrote in my physical journal last night got three.. no four pages I think of just random shit thats in my head but when I come here to do a brief over view of what i wrote in it My brain locks up and goes.. EHHH no. . . you don't have anything to write. . . . . .

Basically :
work sucks
jeremy won't talk to me
apartement stress
bill stress
stupid life.

Yep that sums it up.  Wow i'm so articulate I think I just shat myself. 
 
     Toss A Pillow
 
Do You Ever Get That Feeling That Your Cat Is Purposely Trying To Make You Jealous?   
11:49am 24/08/2009
  I'm so sick of feeling like my heart is sinking.. if that makes since.. I think its probably more or less all in my head you know paranoia and all, but still.. I'm not sure I can really take much more of this feeling..  And to top it off, I'm going to kill my room mates.  
     Toss A Pillow